I’ve felt my recent bloggings have put me out of touch with that of the common man (you). For this reason I have decided to give you all an insight in to an unusually dull day of my life. I have chosen a dull day as it’ll be the easiest for you to relate too. As naturally a normal day in my life would be far too complex and wondrous for your mind to withstand. For if I were to vocalise a single word to describe a normal day for me it would be like experiencing the most addictive drug you are barely capable of imagining. For if I were to utter more than a mere syllable all of mankind would transformed in to a zombie like state in constant agony, scurrying the earth desperate to hear of my day. This is but one of the many burdens I face so that you may live a better life, I don’t expect anyone to be able to understand.
My day began with its usual routine, I was still basking in the satisfaction of another productive night of world betterment (I don’t need to sleep, but on occasion like to indulge in some) and had just finished making sure the sun had risen correctly and on time. It hadn’t, it was 0.3 seconds late. I didn’t want too, but I would have to take note of this tardiness and bring it up in its six month review. Upon this thought I decided that in order to cheer myself up I would take a stroll to my local grocery store and purchase breakfast. From my humble abode the grocery store is but a dander of 100 miles. (give or take) This may seem to you like quite a distance to travel and you may find yourself thinking ‘surely there is a closer store than that?’ However you have to understand that I do not shop at stores you have ever heard about. You see everything you eat is fake or to put it a better way a shadow of real food. The food you eat is like a three year old trying to draw a car. It is a pale imitation of the real thing (see below for examples)
A Real Car
A Pale Imitation
(Personally I don’t know what the child who drew this was thinking but it offends my senses)
Upon arriving at said store I couldn’t help but notice on the cover of the daily newspapers that there was some kerfuffle going on in Japan. One such Newspaper had the headline ‘After the wave, the grief’. Do not misinterpret what I am about to say, for I am truly sorry for the Japanese people but news of this disaster offended me. I am sorry for these peoples grief. However I am but one man, even I am unable to stop every threat. It slipped past and I have already apologised on numerous occasions. You will not have heard this story before as it made no headlines and was not reported on, but alas the media never reports on my triumphs (I have many) only my failures. One such example of a triumph was the time I single handedly stopped The Great Giraffe King from enslaving mankind and taking over the world. It was back in the summer of 1969 and I had just finished exploring the Vietcong when I heard a rumour that The Great Giraffe King was mobilising an army. I knew at once I had to act fast if I where to stop him. I traveled long and hard (like my penis) through the night until I reached the Serengeti. It was clear from the devastation on the land that the rumours were true. At that instant I knew what had to be done, I knew that The Great Giraffe King and I were destine to do battle and that only one could survive. (It was me, I am alive to write this after all) The sun was rising (on time) as I met The Great Giraffe King on the field that would ultimately be where he finally came to rest, I could tell he hadn’t changed since our last encounter. He was still as arrogant and full of himself as ever, but he was a formidable foe and still to this day deserves my respect. We battled tirelessly, long and hard for three days. It would have seemed that we were an almost equal match, but I could tell he was starting to tire and that his energy was starting to dwindle. His energy attacks were growing weaker, I knew this was my chance to defeat him once and for all. I allowed one of his weaken energy attacks to strike me. (As a full powered one could have knocked me unconscious) It sent me flying through the air, I landed about a mile away. However this was all part of my plan as I knew The Great Giraffe King was a slow moving beast. I quickly recovered myself and began running full speed towards him dodging every attack he threw my way. Once close enough I jumped in the air and wrapped my hands around his neck. (As everyone will know the neck was The Great Giraffe Kings weak spot) I knew I had to hold on until the life was choked out of him. He trashed around ferociously with all his might. It seemed he did not want to die that day. I held on and finally he had no choice but to succumb to the superior warrior. The deed was done. The Great Giraffe King was no more. The other Giraffe now of course recognised me as there new leader. My first and only declaration to them stated that from this day forth every Giraffe shall be born free to live free and that no Giraffe shall ever be permitted to wage war on man again. That no Giraffe shall ever be allowed to eat meat again that they shall live on diet of leaves and bark.
However I digress, my offence at the headline soon passed and proceeded to browse the store for my breakfast, in the end I settled for half a watermelon. I paid at the checkout and thanked the woman working for her friendly and efficient service. I made my way home and spent the afternoon on my computer renaming the photos from my recent vacation.
The Great Giraffe King
(1603 – 1969)
I recently realised that many of you may have questions or ‘life problems’ that I in my infinite wisdom would be able to solve for you. Hence for this reason I have created the very FAQ you now read before you. Below I am sure are many answers to questions you are all undoubtedly curious to know. If there is anything that I have not not covered in the FAQ please feel free to ask. After all I only wish to make your life better. However I do pass this warning do not ask a question twice as it could threaten the very existence of the universe. Also I don’t care to repeat myself so pay attention.
What is your secret identity?
This is the most the most frequently asked question I get asked. I am however afraid it is one I can not answer, for reasons far too numerous and complex for anyone to understand. I fear that if the world where to know my true identity, then I would not be able to do the great work that I have set out too.
Why is it you can not reveal your secret identity?
See above. I have already said I do not care to repeat myself.
Are you immortal?
Yes I am in fact immortal. However this is not a theory I have ever put to the test, on the slim chance that I might be wrong.
Is there anything you can not do/know?
Yes there are three things. I can’t Wiggle my ears, never been able to do it, I don’t know why. I have also spent many years without success trying to think of a third thing I can’t do.
Are you God?
Alas this is not for me to decide, for I am but merely a man, If I am to be a God it is because you my followers have decided it so.
Why are the bee’s disappearing?
I felt that black and yellow wasn’t a very good colour combination. I tried to reason with them, but damn it they just wouldn’t listen. I do not regret my decision.
What do you in your spare time?
Time is finite, none is spare. I also have a passion for carpentry and murder mystery novels.
Are the rumours true?
There is only one and yes it is.
What right do I have as a person to ask you a question?
Well my friend you already have and you have every right. It is only natural for you be curious. So much of this world must be a strange and scary place for you. I am here to show you the way, the light. So please ask, ask and ask some more.
What is the meaning of life?
Too be updated as necessary.
First of all I would like to thank everyone for the truly over-whelming response to my blog. If I was the sort of person who needed the approval of other people. I would surely take comfort in the fact my blog is reaching so many of you. I would also like to take this opportunity to ask all my followers to thank them selves for taking the first steps towards becoming a better person. For trying to become more like me. For I honestly believe from the bottom of the massive well that is my heart, that one day you all may be able to walk in my shadow.
Over the last few days I have been doubting my ability to make the world a better place. Then however I realised that my doubts are not the same as that of the common man, as I am much more than a common man. You see my doubts are unfounded as who could possibly doubt me. (My self included) So I am now back on the most nobel of paths. A path that only my self have feet strong enough to carry me, to see me pass safely through the dark forest that is this world to the light at the other side. I do not walk this path for glory, fame or accolades. For such things have no meaning to me. I walk this path for you.
One of my earliest memories is when I was three and mother came to me and she said “Ralf (She called me Ralf as she had not yet realised that my name should have been Karl) I have a problem” Naturally I told her to hush, I was watching Tom & Jerry she should have known better. Never the less I could tell this was serious and she needed my help. So I did what any son would in that situation I handed her fifty pounds and told her to go buy her self something pretty, that it was ok, a man would take care of her problem. After that day I really respected my mother for she had the good sense to ask for help when she needed it the most.
Well I hope I gave you all something to think about and please remember aspirer to be the best you can be. To be like me. Until next time Karl-bless you all.
People often say to me; “Karl (they call me Karl because that’s my name) how can we get more of you in our lives?” Of course my normal answer is; “well gee’z guys I’m flattered, but there’s only so much I can do.” when one day (today) the light bulb in my head switched on, as it often does. (Well that’s not technically true. The light bulb is always on, it just gets brighter.) This proverbial light bulb (I call it a proverbial light bulb as there isn’t actually a light bulb in my head. Well at least as a far as I’m aware.) enlightened me to the possibility that the people who say to me “Karl how can we get more of you in our lives?” (see above) could by way of blog. (this blog) This is the first posting in what I’m sure is going to amass a huge following. (like my penis)
As I type this at the window in my bedroom. I can’t help but wonder if their isn’t more I could do for my fellow man (and “woman” as I’m not sexist and realise that many “woman” can now in fact read.)
Recently I have been giving a lot of thought to the thought of volunteering. However this thought raises many more agonising thoughts such as:
What charity is worthy of having my time? (if any)
If I was to pick one charity to get my time, what effect would this have on the other charities?
If the answer to question number two (2.) is a negative one, then surely the best thing I could do is not volunteer at all?
For surely all the good I would do for one cause would be out-weighted by the negative effect it would have on the others?
Can even a man such as myself volunteer to all the charities in the world?
If I don’t volunteer then how do I make my self feel better by making the world better for you?
For as predominantly life changing as reading this blog is, I fear it may not be enough.
This has been the first of many insights into the mind of perfection, as you now will be coming aware; even perfection has it’s flaws.
Good-bye for now, and please aspire to be the best you can be.