I’ve felt my recent bloggings have put me out of touch with that of the common man (you). For this reason I have decided to give you all an insight in to an unusually dull day of my life. I have chosen a dull day as it’ll be the easiest for you to relate too. As naturally a normal day in my life would be far too complex and wondrous for your mind to withstand. For if I were to vocalise a single word to describe a normal day for me it would be like experiencing the most addictive drug you are barely capable of imagining. For if I were to utter more than a mere syllable all of mankind would transformed in to a zombie like state in constant agony, scurrying the earth desperate to hear of my day. This is but one of the many burdens I face so that you may live a better life, I don’t expect anyone to be able to understand.
My day began with its usual routine, I was still basking in the satisfaction of another productive night of world betterment (I don’t need to sleep, but on occasion like to indulge in some) and had just finished making sure the sun had risen correctly and on time. It hadn’t, it was 0.3 seconds late. I didn’t want too, but I would have to take note of this tardiness and bring it up in its six month review. Upon this thought I decided that in order to cheer myself up I would take a stroll to my local grocery store and purchase breakfast. From my humble abode the grocery store is but a dander of 100 miles. (give or take) This may seem to you like quite a distance to travel and you may find yourself thinking ‘surely there is a closer store than that?’ However you have to understand that I do not shop at stores you have ever heard about. You see everything you eat is fake or to put it a better way a shadow of real food. The food you eat is like a three year old trying to draw a car. It is a pale imitation of the real thing (see below for examples)
A Pale Imitation
(Personally I don’t know what the child who drew this was thinking but it offends my senses)
Upon arriving at said store I couldn’t help but notice on the cover of the daily newspapers that there was some kerfuffle going on in Japan. One such Newspaper had the headline ‘After the wave, the grief’. Do not misinterpret what I am about to say, for I am truly sorry for the Japanese people but news of this disaster offended me. I am sorry for these peoples grief. However I am but one man, even I am unable to stop every threat. It slipped past and I have already apologised on numerous occasions. You will not have heard this story before as it made no headlines and was not reported on, but alas the media never reports on my triumphs (I have many) only my failures. One such example of a triumph was the time I single handedly stopped The Great Giraffe King from enslaving mankind and taking over the world. It was back in the summer of 1969 and I had just finished exploring the Vietcong when I heard a rumour that The Great Giraffe King was mobilising an army. I knew at once I had to act fast if I where to stop him. I traveled long and hard (like my penis) through the night until I reached the Serengeti. It was clear from the devastation on the land that the rumours were true. At that instant I knew what had to be done, I knew that The Great Giraffe King and I were destine to do battle and that only one could survive. (It was me, I am alive to write this after all) The sun was rising (on time) as I met The Great Giraffe King on the field that would ultimately be where he finally came to rest, I could tell he hadn’t changed since our last encounter. He was still as arrogant and full of himself as ever, but he was a formidable foe and still to this day deserves my respect. We battled tirelessly, long and hard for three days. It would have seemed that we were an almost equal match, but I could tell he was starting to tire and that his energy was starting to dwindle. His energy attacks were growing weaker, I knew this was my chance to defeat him once and for all. I allowed one of his weaken energy attacks to strike me. (As a full powered one could have knocked me unconscious) It sent me flying through the air, I landed about a mile away. However this was all part of my plan as I knew The Great Giraffe King was a slow moving beast. I quickly recovered myself and began running full speed towards him dodging every attack he threw my way. Once close enough I jumped in the air and wrapped my hands around his neck. (As everyone will know the neck was The Great Giraffe Kings weak spot) I knew I had to hold on until the life was choked out of him. He trashed around ferociously with all his might. It seemed he did not want to die that day. I held on and finally he had no choice but to succumb to the superior warrior. The deed was done. The Great Giraffe King was no more. The other Giraffe now of course recognised me as there new leader. My first and only declaration to them stated that from this day forth every Giraffe shall be born free to live free and that no Giraffe shall ever be permitted to wage war on man again. That no Giraffe shall ever be allowed to eat meat again that they shall live on diet of leaves and bark.
However I digress, my offence at the headline soon passed and proceeded to browse the store for my breakfast, in the end I settled for half a watermelon. I paid at the checkout and thanked the woman working for her friendly and efficient service. I made my way home and spent the afternoon on my computer renaming the photos from my recent vacation.
The Great Giraffe King
(1603 – 1969)