The Host With the Most

I wrote this script as more of an exercise than anything else, but I was quite pleased with the results. It was intended as a dark comedy, which I hope comes across in the writing. Hopefully one day it will see the light of day and we (Inside the Box) get to film it. On a side note, I may not be brilliant at names.

To view the script in the correct format >click here<  (which I recommend doing) or just keep scrolling to read on this page.

 

SC1 EXT. FOOTPATH

MAN walking down the street. He is being followed by FOLLOW MAN. Whenever MAN looks behind, FOLLOW MAN ducks out of sight. (Badly) This happens several times. Until MAN Says

MAN

Ok seriously, why do you keep doing that?

FOLLOW MAN

Doing What?

MAN

Ducking out of the way, whenever I look.

FOLLOW MAN

Oh, right. You seen that huh?

(Pause)

I get a bit nervous round famous people.

MAN

What?

FOLLOW MAN

I never know what to say. I get a bit worried they might think I’m weird or something.

MAN

Yeah. I’m getting that, but I’m not famous. So you know, if you could…

FOLLOW MAN

Come on. I get the need for secrecy and all, but come on. It’s you. The Host With the Most.

MAN

It’s really not.

FOLLOW MAN

Tobias, I watch your show every night. Wait I can call you Tobias right?

MAN

Nope. Not my name.

FOLLOW MAN

Brilliant I knew you wouldn’t mind.

MAN

Ok. Great to meet you, but I’m going to walk this way now.

FOLLOW

Oh right yeah, of course. Was really nice to meet you. Tobias.

MAN walks off muttering weirdo to himself. In the background FOLLOW MAN can be seen pulling a large suitcase out of a hedge. FOLLOW MAN opens the suitcase and takes out a baseball bat. FOLLOW MAN takes a practice swing and seems pleased with the result. FOLLOW MAN runs towards MAN and hits MAN across the head with the bat. MAN is knocked out and falls to the ground. FOLLOW MAN throws the baseball bat away triumphantly. It dawns on FOLLOW MAN what he has just done.

FOLLOW MAN

What have I just done? That bat is going to be absolutely covered in evidence.

FOLLOW MAN retrieves the bat and drags MAN towards the suitcase. FOLLOW MAN awkwardly shoves MAN into the suitcase. Next we see FOLLOW MAN walk along the footpath, bat over his shoulder and the suitcase (which has wheels) being dragged along beside him.

CUT TO:

SC2 INT. LIVING ROOM

MAN is tied to a chair behind a kitchen table. Behind the table a sheet covers the wall. SPORTSCAST WITH TOBIAS FLYNN has been crudely written across it, an arrow from the Words TOBIAS FLYNN has been painted also. It points to where MAN is sitting. MAN is now wearing a suit. MAN begins to wake up as FOLLOW MAN enters the Living Room; FOLLOW MAN is now wearing a woman’s dress.

FOLLOW MAN

Brilliant you’re awake. I was getting worried you’d miss tonight’s show, but nope here you are just in time. Tobias Flynn, the constant professional.

MAN

(Still groggy)

Huh? Wait. What?

FOLLOW MAN

Don’t worry about that Tobias. Just focus on getting ready for the show.

MAN is still trying to raise his head as FOLLOW MAN is sitting down beside him. FOLLOW MAN misconstrues this as MAN looking at his breasts.

FOLLOW MAN

Hey, eyes up here mister. I need you concentrating on the show, not the milk shooters.

MAN

Show? What the fuck are you talking about?

(Looks down and sees that he is wearing different clothes)

Did you change my clothes?

FOLLOW MAN

Well you got blood all over your other ones. Plus you always wear a suit for the show.

MAN

What? Why do you keep talking about a show?

FOLLOW MAN

Oh, Shush. We’re about to go live. Just read your queue cards and look at camera three.

(FOLLOW MAN points at nothing in front of them)

MAN

What cameras?

(Squirming)

Let me the fuck go.

FOLLOW MAN

Five. Four.

(Counts Three, Two, One on his fingers)

Good evening, it’s Saturday the 8th of May I’m Christina Aguilera and this is the man with the most, the man who likes to boast, my Co-host Tobias Flynn.

(Pause… FOLLOW MAN nudges MAN)

Tobias it’s your line.

MAN

Please just let me go.

FOLLOW MAN

Ha ha ha, what an odd thing to say.

(Whispering)

Just read from the queue cards.

MAN

Why are you doing this?

FOLLOW MAN looks embarrassed and flustered.

FOLLOW MAN

What a funny joke you made there Tobias. HA HA HA. Why don’t we cross over to Gerry at Dundee United for todays match highlights. Ok we’re off the air. Jesus Tobias what the fuck was that? Get your shit together.

MAN

I was supposed to be meeting my girlfriend.

FOLLOW MAN

Do you even care how unprofessional that looked?

 

MAN

I’m not Tobias Flynn, I don’t have a sports show. Please just let me go.

FOLLOW MAN

You’re being really weird today. Have you bumped your head of something?

MAN

(Starts crying)

Help. Help, please, somebody.

FOLLOW MAN

(Looking of camera at some someone who isn’t there)

Listen Craig, I don’t know what’s gotten in to him but I can’t work under these conditions.

MAN

You’re absolutely mental.

WOMAN enters the living room. She is holding shopping bags. She sees what is going on and looks surprised. She drops the shopping bags.

WOMAN

Tobias?

MAN

My name’s not Tobias.

WOMAN

Well of course it’s not. Tobias what the hell is going on in here?

FOLLOW MAN

I was lied to and very much deceived, by this man here. He has somehow managed to convince me that I am not me, and that he is in fact me.

MAN

I haven’t. I swear I haven’t.

WOMAN

I know you haven’t sweetie, he does this sort of stuff all the time.

FOLLOW MAN

(to MAN)

Once, maybe twice a year. Max.

MAN

Can I please just go now?

WOMAN

(Laughing)

Oh God no. See if people knew that Tobias got up to this kind of weird shit, his career would be over. I mean can you imagine, his show would be cancelled like

(Clicks fingers)

And god, I dread to think of the legal ramifications.

FOLLOW MAN

I’ll go get the shovel.

MAN

Shovel, what? No you don’t need a shovel. I’m not going to tell anyone.

FOLLOW MAN

Dude, come on. You got knocked out by a celebrity. Which by the way how did you not recognize me? I’m sort of a big deal. There are literally billboards all over the city with my face on them. You know what it doesn’t matter. Anyway you got knocked out by a really famous person, with a totally recognizable face, may or may not have had your junk fondled with while unconscious, got tied to a chair and made participate in a fake TV show. Which to be honest you were kind of sucky at. Of course you’re going to tell someone.

WOMAN

Just go get the damn shovel; I want to get this mess cleared up before dinner.

FOLLOW MAN grumbles and leaves the room. MAN begins desperately trying to escape from the chair, while shouting repeatedly.

MAN

Help.

WOMAN picks up the baseball bat and walks over to MAN.

WOMAN

Sorry about this.

CUT TO:

SC3 EXT. FOREST CARPARK NIGHT.

FOLLOW MAN is dragging a suitcase from the back seat of a car. He looks like something has just dawned on him.

FOLLOW MAN

Forgot to get an autograph.

CUT TO:

SC4 EXT. FOREST NIGHT

WOMAN is carrying the shovel. FOLLOW MAN is pulling the suitcase.

WOMAN

You should have changed that dress before you came out. You’re going to ruin it.

FOLLOW MAN

It’s my dress; I’ll wear it where I like.

WOMAN

Ok, but I’m not washing it.

THE END.

Original Script For The Attack of the Giant Green Lizard Thing

To view in the correct format please click here. Alternatively just keep scrolling to read. 

THE ATTACK OF THE GAINT GREEN LIZARD THING

Written by

Karl Henry

SC1 INT. Flat Living Room – Day 1 09:30 

[Black screen. You hear two fast paced, panicked; out of breath voices.]

KARL:

To your left; to your left, up on the hill. Now your three o’clock.

STEVE:

I see him I’m reloading, cover me.

KARL:

Crap, I’m out of ammo. There’s a mob coming towards me. Reload already.

STEVE:

I’m going a fast as I can, alright.

KARL:

Shit I’m hit hurry, ahhh, too late I’m dead

[The black screen fades to show Karl and STEVE SITTING on the living room floor playing gears of war on the x-box. Beside them are empty bottles of juice and empty sweet wrappers.]

KARL:

Ahhh, we were so close.

STEVE:

Ahhh balls I’m dead now too, alright one more shot and we’ll call it a night.

[Leanne enters the living room. She is in her pyjamas. she has just woken up. She looks tired.]

KARL:

Morning, you feeling ruff this morning? You and Matt where pretty steaming last night.

LEANNE:

Yeah I’m fine sure I told you I don’t get hangovers. You guys missed a good night like. It was so funny, right outside Fat Sam’s Matt got beat up by this really drunk fat girl. It was so funny trying to watch him fight her off.

STEVE:

Gutted.

LEANNE:

We were so drunk getting back in here last night. Wait where you two not playing this when we got back? Have you two been playing all night?

STEVE:

We’ve been stuck on the last level since five.

LEANNE:

You guys are sad. Stick on the news I’m sure there’s something going on; I remember Mr Taxi driver telling me about it.

KARL:

Gives us half an hour all we need is one more shot and we’ll finish the game.

[The level of the game restarts]

LEANNE:

Can we not watch it now, I sure it’s really important something about a giant green lizard attacking the city.

STEVE:

Leanne, you were steaming last night.

LEANNE:

I’m sure he said a giant green lizard. That’s why I want to find out.

KARL:

We know you seemed pretty sure last night.

LEANNE:

Put on the news then you’ll see. I’m not crazy

KARL:

An ha

LEANNE:

I’m not.

KARL:

Okay

LEANNE:

You guys are dicks I’m making a cup of tee.

KARL:

Make me one.

[Leanne leaves the living room to make a cup of tea.]

CUT TO:

SC2 INT. Flat Living Room – Day 1 [09:40]

Sitting on the sofa is leanne with a cup of tea. Karl and Steve are still playing the x-box. They have just died again.

KARL:

Aahh, not again.

STEVE:

It’s alright one more shot and we’ll do it we were so close that time.

KARL:

Leanne, did you make me a cup of tea?

LEANNE:

Naw, you’re a dick. (pause) It’s in the kitchen

KARL:

(smiling at leanne). Thank you.

LEANNE:

Can we watch the news now?

STEVE:

Just one more shot.

[Suddenly the power goes out in the flat.]

STEVE:

We didn’t save did we?

KARL:

I’m to check the switch board before I start to cry.

[Karl leaves the room to check the switch board. leanne makes her way to the window and opens the blinds.]

KARL: (O.O.V)

The trip switch is up; the power should be back on.

LEANNE:

I don’t think the trips the problem.

[A big gaint green lizard walks past the living room window.]

LEANNE:

You guys might want to see this. I told you I wasn’t crazy.

[Steve stands up and looks out the window and a short time after Karl appears behind him. All three of the flat mates look out the window.]

KARL:

Huh! Now that’s some you don’t see everyday.

LEANNE:

See I told you? But oh no, no one would listen to Leanne.

KARL:

What the hell do we do now? Steve it’s all over what the hell are we going to do? We’ve got no power. We’re going to starv….

[With a stern and determined look on his face Steve says.]

STEVE:

No

KARL:

Sorry?

STEVE:

No, it’s not over. Not while there is still air in my lungs and blood pumping thought my veins it will never be over. Karl we’ve came too far we’ve done too much.

LEANNE:

Yeah, gay boys

STEVE:

We’ve seen too much. Been thought too much together it’s not over. Too long has Gears of War sat on the book shelve uncompleted.

LEANNE:

You two are idiots; I’m going to see if Matt’s awake.

[Leanne leaves the living room.]

STEVE:

Too long have we been stuck on the final boss. Today is the day where it ends. Today is the day when we complete Gears of War. I promise you Karl today we will finish this game. One way or another it ends; and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a giant green lizard thing stop me. Karl are you with me?

[The buzzer rings and before Karl can answer.]

Steve:

Oh a visitor. I wonder who it could be.

CUT TO:

SC3 int. leanne’s bedroom – day 1 

[Leanne is it her bed room she is trying to wake up Matt who is lying under the covers in her bed. His entire body is covered.]

LEANNE:

Matt? Matt? Are you alright? God how hung-over are you.

MATT:

(Incoherent mumbling)

LEANNE:

I was going to make breakfast but the power’s out some big giant green lizard thing is attacking the city. You should come see.

MATT:

(More incoherent mumbling)

LEANNE:

Fine then sleep.

CUT TO:

SC4 int. steve’s bedroom – day 1

[Steve is in his bedroom by the Secrete Compartment at the window. He throws the clothes that are lying on it to the floor and throws the lid to the side inside is a lego dinosaur, a map of dundee, three toy army men and a toy car. Steve takes a deep breath and takes out the things.]

CUT TO:

SC5 int. flat living room – day 1

[As Steve enters; sitting in the living room is Mitch, Kirsty and Leanne. Karl is standing by the window. Steve lays the map out on the floor.]

STEVE:

Ok guys I’ve always knew that what has happen today was a possibility so I took the time to come up with a plan. Mitch we’re going to need your car. Do you have it with you?

MITCH:

Yeah it’s up at Kirsty’s

KARL:

Actually, no it’s not.

CUT TO:

SC6 ext. the street outside the flat – day 1 

[you see a car flying through the air. it lands upside down in the middle of the road in front of the flat.]

CUT TO:

SC7 int. flat living room – day 1 

[Karl is still by the window. Steve is on the floor with the map. Kirsty and Leanne are on the sofa and Mitch in the chair.]

KARL:

You’ve got insurances right?

MITCH:

Yeah.

KARL:

Does it cover damage by monsters?

MITCH:

No.

KARL:

Yeah, you’re screwed.

[Mitch makes his way to the window and see’s his car on fire; now with the same sternt and determined look on his face as Steve.]

MITCH:

Now it’s personal. Steve what’s the plan?

STEVE:

As I said I’ve taken the time to come up with a plan for this exact eventuality. Of course we’re going to have to change it a little now that Mitch’s car is out of play. So hears the plan (pointing at the map) we’re here and we need to get to the Kingways here (pointing to the kingsway on the map) that’s where the B&Q is; and that’s also where we’ll be most likely to find a generator. I was hoping to have Mitch’s car. Since we don’t we’re just going to have to carry the generator back. But first we need to get rid of that giant green lizard. Ok so one of the key things we need to avoid is this.

[Steve picks up one of the toy SOLDIERS and puts it in to the mouth of the lego dinosaur. he makes dinosaur noises Karl and Mitch nod in agreement.]

STEVE:

I’m not going to lie to you this is going be dangerous; so if you want to back out now’s the time.

[Karl slowly looks at Mitch and then Steve. He put’s his hand in to the centre of the map. Mitch follow’s then Steve.]

STEVE:

Alright then, at sundown; we move out.

[by this point Kirsty and Leanne are laughing uncontrollability on the sofa.]

CUT TO:

SC8 int. steve’s bedroom – day 1 

[Scene is in slow motion. Steve is sitting on his bed. He turns to his desk and picks up a photo of his girl friend. he kisses the photo and sets it back down on the desk. beside it sits a bandana. Steve ties the bandana around his head. steve stands up. he walks to the drawer of his desk and takes out his mp3 player.]

CUT TO:

SC9 int. flat living room

[Scene is in slow motion. Kirsty and Mitch are in the living room. Kirsty is looking at mitch as if to say what the hell ARE you DOING. Mitch pulls a bag from the side of the sofa it contains his hockey gear. he starts to put it on.]

CUT TO:

SC10 int. Karl’s bedroom – day 1 

[Scene is slow motion. Karl is sitting at his desk. he has a tub of green army paint. He dabs two fingers from each hand in to it and two lines on each of his each on his cheeks. He stands up and lifts a hurling stick from the corner of the room and places it down his back. He lifts his jacket from the back of his chair and makes his way to the door.]

CUT TO:

SC11 int flat hall – day 1

[Scene is in slow motion Karl, Mitch and Steve ENTER THE hall at the same time. they have a look on there faces which means they know it’s time. mitch is carrying his HOCKEY helmet and stick. kirsty is leaning against the wall of kitchen laughing. Karl, Mitch and Steve turn to face the door and start to leave. Leanne comes out of room. Scene out of slow motion.]

LEANNE:

Guys wait a second, have you seen my purse any where?

KARL:

Kitchen?

LEANNE:

I’ve looked there already I can’t find it.

STEVE:

Haven’t seen it sorry.

LEANNE:

Cool well do either of you have any change?

KARL:

Skint, sorry

STEVE:

I’ve got a couple of quid.

LEANNE:

Cool do you mind getting some milk on your way back?

STEVE:

A yeah, semi skimmed?

LEANNE:

Yeah thanks, bye, have a nice time.

[Scene goes to slow motion again as Karl, Mitch and Steve make there way out of the flat, down the close and outside. Going down the stairs Karl puts on his jacket and Steve picks a song on his mp3 player. Mitch puts on his helmet , visor up.]

CUT TO:

SC12 EXT. Outside The Flat – Day 1

[Scene is in slow motion. the sun is setting and the perth road is empty apart from Karl, Mitch, Steve and the giant green lizard thing. Karl, Mitch and Steve stand in the middle of the street looking at there foe. Mitch pulls the visior down on his helmet. Karl takes the hurling stick from his back. the three men stand and look at there fate, the giant green lizard thing. Karl raises the hurling stick in the air.]

KARL:

Ahhhh!

[THEY start to run towards the gaint green Lizard thing. Out of slow motion the window of the flat opens and leanne pops her head out.]

LEANNE:

Guys it’s ok the power’s back on.

STEVE:

Awe sweet.

[Karl, Steve and Mitch walk to the door of the close.]

STEVE:

You got keys I think I left mine in the flat.

KARL:

Yeah just let me find them.

CUT TO:

SC13 INT. Flat Living Room – Day 1 

[On screen will appear three hours later. Karl and Steve are playing the x-box. Mitch, Kirsty and Leanne are sitting around drinking tea.]

KARL:

Yes! Finally.

STEVE:

Awe I’m so glad that’s over, tell you what though, fucking good game.

LEANNE:

Does that mean we can watch the news now?

KARL:

Do we have too?

MITCH:

It is a bit dull like I’m up for some Mario Kart.

leanne:

The city has been destroyed.

KIRSTY:

Yeah thousands of people are probably dead. How do you not want to watch the news?

KARL:

Come on things could have been a lot worse. I mean it could have been a zombie attack.

[Suddenly every one in the room stops and looks at the door. The camera leaves the room and makes it’s way in to leanne’s bed room. Where Matt is still lying under the covers. You hear Zombie noises. Suddenly a zombie matt sits up from under the covers and makes zombie noises.]

Credits

SC14 INT Flat Hall – Day 1 

[Standing in the Hall out side Leanne’s bedroom door is Leanne, Karl, Mitch, Kirsty and Steve.]

KIRSTY:

Well on you go then.

LEANNE:

Don’t look at me, I’m not going in.

KIRSTY:

Dinny be silly it’s your room.

LEANNE:

I don’t care why does it have to be me?

KARL:

He’s your boyfriend.

LEANNE:

He’s no me boyfriend.

[Leanne gets pushed to the front of the group.]

LEANNE:

Right, fine I’ll do it. Should I knock? Is it appropriate to knock?

STEVE:

Just listen see if you can hear anything.

[Every one puts there ear to the door to try and listen. A few seconds pass. A loud bang comes from the other side of the door.]

EVERY ONE:

Aaaaaaaaah!

END OF EPISODE